So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
