before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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