Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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