Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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