Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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