On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
