I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
