hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
