I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
