i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
