Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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