god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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