I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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