You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
