i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
