I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
