Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
this is an emotional support booty call
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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