Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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