I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
