just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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