Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
