i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
