If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
