seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
