I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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