You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
