So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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