cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
