Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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