Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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