good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
