I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
