apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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