Need sex. Gaining weight.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
