Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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