i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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