And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
