Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
