please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
