He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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