If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
