It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
