We're facebook friends in real life
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The best revenge is premature balding
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
