So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
