Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
His hands were made for my vagina.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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