Your dad touched me again.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
