I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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