guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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