my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
