when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
