I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I checked into jail on foursquare
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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