I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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