I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
