You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
