You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
