I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
