Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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