i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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