i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
